For most people, movies are a general escape from the stresses and humdrums of everyday life. When I go to a movie, I expect to forget about a stressful day at school, work, ect. and get some thrills, laughs (Be they unintentional or not) and sometimes even learn things with a group of friends. Unfortunately, not many films are worth the ridiculous price of tickets and food, and nowadays more than ever, most filmmakers are relying on lazy, recycled ideas to make a quick buck. It’s pretty much always been happening, it will definitely continue to happen for the rest of our lives, so I might as well just quit bitching and see movies that have a better chance of not sucking. That said, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to rant about the things I hate most about the movies of today. So, without further word vomit, my five most hated Hollywood trends after the jump.
5. Betty White
[No, I don’t care if bitching about old people is a bad thing. I’m Catholic and therefore already going to Hell, so why not boost my resume?]
No offense to Betty White the person (Please don’t hit me with your purse), but Jesus H. Christ, can the world please get over having Betty White in everyone of your motherf*cking movies, TV shows, press conferences and christenings? Haha! It’s funny because she’s old! Yeah, I get it. I’ve gotten it since that Super Bowl commercial aired. I also got it when she was on SNL. And when she guest starred on every NBC show known to man. I even got it when she said “I do Facebook now! And I’m on the Twitter!” [See? She put “the” in front of Twitter! That’s so cute….. Hurrrrr] in that random chick flick. I’m probably a little late to this party, and it may actually start dying down fairly soon. According to IMDB, her only future role at the moment is in… Men in Black III. Granted, the role is rumored, but still; I can already picture the scene… sigh.
4. Spy romance films
Mr. and Mrs. Smith wasn’t that bad of a film; it was mildly entertaining, and would eventually help save 34 babies from third world countries while giving Jennifer Aniston one of the biggest bitch slaps in history. Now that we’ve taken care of that, let’s look at all the wonderful things that the other “spyromedies” have given us….
- Date Night: More people dismissively wanking over how great Tina Fey is, thousands of random people yelling “KILLSHOT! THAT’S A KILLSHOT!” Well yeah, that’s what you get for quoting something in the trailer.
- Knight and Day: A movie in which neither of the main characters are called Knight/ Day in any manner (Is it the organization or something? Fill me in), Tom Cruise being batsh*t insane, Cameron Diaz running into a hail of gunfire for no reason. See folks, it’s funny because it’s the trials and tribulations of a rom-com, only with guns! Get it?
- Killers: One of the most ridiculous movie poster photoshops ever. Oh, and Ashton Kutcher making one of his three facial expressions.
- Duplicity: … Seriously, how could anyone possibly think Katherine Heigl is that skinny and still alive at the same time?
Now, did any of those movies save third world babies? No? I rest my case.
3. Giving away a major part of the damn film in the trailer
In case you didn’t really grasp the title, those two trailers gave away at least one major plot point of the movie. As a matter of fact, Quarantine didn’t only give away it’s ending in the tailer, but in the freaking movie poster as well. Seriously? I get how lots of people will go to movies solely based on the trailer, despite the fact that sometimes there are even scenes in the trailer that don’t make the final cut, but do you really have to blatantly give away who dies at the end or who the killer is right in the trailer? Maybe I’m nitpicking; Piranha was a movie where I probably shouldn’t be getting all uppity over a character dying being put in the trailer, but still, if the trend continues, there’s eventually going to be a major screw-up that will send lots of people into fits of rage. Personally, I hope they give away that Julia Roberts becomes overweight from all the Greek food in the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love.
2. Remakes, revivals, adaptations, and pointless sequels
- Youth in Revolt
- Dear John
- Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
- The Wolfman
- The Crazies
- Alice in Wonderland
- Diary of a Wimpy Kid
- The Last Song
- Clash of the Titans
- Why Did I Get Married Too?
- Death At A Funeral
- Kick Ass
- The Losers
- A Nightmare On Elm Street
- Iron Man 2
- Robin Hurrrrr
- Shrek Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever….
- Sex and the City 2: The Eternal Queef
- Prince of Persia: Jakey Jake’s Sexy Hot Abs
- The A-Team
- The Karate Kid
- Jonah Hex
- Toy Story 3
- Twilight: Eclipse
- The Last Airbender:Written, Directed, Starring, and Dedicated to Jesus Xenu Ktulu M. Knight Shyamalan
- Ramona and Jeezus Beezus
- Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
- Charlie St. Cloud
- Dinner For Schmucks
- Step Up 3-Deez Nuts
- Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
- Nanny McQueef Returns
- Piranha 3-Deez Wet T-Shirt Contests
- Machete (Based on a fake trailer, so probably doesn’t deserve to be here)
- Resident Evil: Afterlife
- Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Who Gives a Shit
- Wall Street: Money Never Queefs
Welp, there you go. Pretty much all of these movies are either sequels, adaptations, or remakes of something. The only ones that are probably worth seeing are Kick Ass, Iron Man 2, Crazies, A Team, Toy Story 3, Predators, Scott Pilgrim, Machete, and Piranha and Jonah Hex for the “So bad it’s good” factor. My brain hurts now…
My problem with the resurgence of 3-D movies isn’t just about the fact that what seems like 75% of movies today are being released with 3-D in the title. It isn’t just that the tickets cost more money, and some films aren’t even giving us the option to see it without the glasses. My biggest beef with the 3-Deez nutz craze is that for every film that is a slightly more enjoyable experience in 3-D, there are six films in 3-D that have no real reason to be in 3-D other than to get more money out of our wallets. But here’s the secret, America. Most of the best movies that came out this year not only had coherent plots and good acting, but they also didn’t cost more money just so that you could see a Yo-Yo shoot out at your face. The moral of the story? Avatar can suck a blue dick (Not Dr. Manhattan’s though).
[This article mentioned “Queefs” more than 3 times, and saved approx. 4 third world babies. Huzzah!]