The elderly often get a bad rep for plenty of things. They often drive slow, have trouble hearing, and tell long stories about The War that end in either snoring or self-urination. They also don’t mind telling a waitress that their tramp stamp is showing, or telling their grandchildren that his or her outfit looks gay….. My Argyles are not gay, Grammy. But it’s not like the quirks and mannerisms of old age are their fault. If I had to live through The Great Depression, war, hippies, and New Coke, I’d probably be pissed off at every kid in America too.
To honor the people that yell at me for loitering on their lawn, here are five reminders that old people can still kick some serious ass, as long as it’s between 6 AM and 8:45 PM.
- The NWA (Hot Fuzz): For Edgar Wright, one wasn’t enough. For his action spoof, Hot Fuzz, he made an entire organization of elderlies with the simple task of making sure Sandford wins the Best Village award. Even if that means chastising bad actors, hood rats, living statues, and bad reporters in order to make Sandford a friendlier place for all. The only downfall is that their perfect town has quite a few painful mishaps, ranging from exploding houses to freak church spire accidents. You get the idea. All these mishaps lead to one of my favorite gun battles in any movie.
- The Kung Fu Priest (Braindead): The dude kicks arse for the Lord. Not much more needs to be said.
- Stallone and Lundgren’s characters (The Expendables): [Ed.Note: I don’t remember any of the characters from this movie.] In what turned out to be my 2nd favorite action flick of the year (Behind Kick-Ass), Dolph “I must break you” Lundgren and Sylvester “ADRIAAANNNN!” Stallone provided rock hard evidence that ‘roids will keep you in ass-whooping condition for up to 113 years of age with only minor side affects (Pff, like prostate problems hurt anybody). Best bits (literally) include Dolph’s “warning shot” that sends a torso ten feet backwards and Stallone’s constant imitation of this guy. [Ed. Note: I found the character names! They are Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Gunner Jensen, Toll Road, Paine, The Brit, and Hale Caesar. Try to read those names and keep your arms from getting veiny. It can’t be done.]
- Walt Kowalski (Gran Torino): I bet that if you asked everyone in the world to describe Walt Kowalski based on only his name, 99% would say that he’s probably a grumpy old bastard. 99% of those people would be correct, with bonus points for anyone that uses describing words like “Racist, violent, raspy, or Clint Eastwood.” One of my favorite characters from one of my favorite movies, Walt isn’t just the epitome of the seriously pissed off war veteran, but also a guy that manages to show that he has a heart of gold while protecting his new Hmong neighbors from a violent gang of other Hmongs (‘Hmongs’ is grammatically incorrect, but Walt Kowalski doesn’t want your queer ass to tell him that). Walt reminded the world that hood rats are still no match from the power of old people. No, not even that hood rat.
- Yoda (Star Wars): Before Walt Kowalski, before the NWA, before Kung-Fu Priest, there was Yoda, the little old man that kicked ass for over 900 years (How do I know Yoda came before them? One, he only lived 900 years, and two, the beginning doesn’t say “Just a few weeks ago, in a galaxy far, far away”). Although well known by today’s generation for using
CGIthe Force to make him an epic lightsaber duelist, Yoda may have been more badass when simply giving out sage advice to apprentices in a confusing manner. No questions asked, this lil’ Muppet proves that both size and age matter not.
Did I miss or omit any of your favorite kick ass elderly folks? Comment about it! And judge my poor grammar while you’re at it, too! Just be careful, Walt Kowalski really hates