[Happy Veteran’s Day everybody! While I originally planned to do a list of good war films to watch, my mind diverted to writing about one of my favorite veterans in Hollywood, Mr. Nicolas Cage.]
Nicolas Cage’s acting career has got to be one of the biggest enigmas in Hollywood. The man has obvious acting chops, which can be seen in movies such as Leaving Las Vegas (For which he won an Oscar), Adaptation, Face/Off, and Raising Arizona. Yet, for all the talent he appears to posses, Nic is still on good course to be one of the most mocked actors ever.
I don’t know whether to describe him as incredibly silly or incredibly shameless, but the man seems to believe there is no such thing as a bad script (Then again, any script with a 10+ million dollar paycheck attached can’t be that bad, right? Hey, why’s there a pile of dollar signs right where my dog was lying?), as can be noted with the number of increasingly bad movie roles he has accepted in the last decade. That said, for all of the awfulness Cage has been a part of, most of it has managed to at least be thrown in the “Bad films that make us laugh” pile. In fact, Cage has steadily become more famous thanks to some of his absolute worst roles. So put on your bear suit, put the bunny back in the box, and grab some cake; Here are the five Nicolas Cage movies that are certifiably awful, but in the best possible way.
5. Vampire’s Kiss: Oh man, oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man, oh God! Wait, wrong movie. When young Nicolas Cage was coming off the one-two punch of starring in Raising Arizona and Moonstruck, he went and starred in this little picture, in which he provided America, unknowingly, a look into the majority of his future films; schlocky, pretty bad, but still entertaining. The man ate three cockroaches for this film… or was it four? I don’t remember, I was drunk and horny.
4. Ghost Rider: There’s no real way to provide commentary. Instead, read this interpretation of the synopsis aloud, using your best Axl Rose impersonation. Let’s see here…
Your name is JOHNNY BLAZE (*Squealy guitar solo). You’ve made a deal with the devil to save your daddy Barton from TERMINAL CANCER! But wait! Your father still dies in a motorcycle stunt gone wrong. That’s right, Johnny, THE DEVIL JUST F*CKED YOU OVER! Heartbroken, you leave your friends, girlfriend, and THE CIRCUS! all behind.
That’s pretty much it… oh yeah, he eventually becomes the Ghost Rider, and fights off some dude named Blackheart. I was in a vegetative state by that point of the movie.
3. Windtalkers: If there is anything that Face/Off and Windtalkers have taught us, it’s that (a) John Woo + Nic Cage = Pretty Good, and (b) John Woo + Nic Cage + World War II = Vomit-inducing. I mean sure, watching Cage decimate the country of Japan with his Tommy (While not even aiming, nonetheless!) is pretty sweet, but unfortunately there are still scenes when people actually talk, and that’s where the movie falls off a bit. If you’re looking for something a bit more historically accurate, try something not called Windtalkers.
2. Con Air: Honestly, this is still one of my favorite action movies ever; There’s no way you can convince me that a movie starring Cage, John Malkovich, Steve Buscemi, Danny Trejo, Ving Rhames, and Dave Chappelle wouldn’t be the best thing since Hot Fudge Sunday Pop-Tarts. That said… It did have a ridiculous story, stuffed bunny, and a plane crash landing on the Vegas strip. But if this is my favorite bad Nicolas Cage film, what could possibly be number one?…
1. The Wicker Man: Oh yeah, that’s right! The Wicker Man’s reputation started slow, but has recently took off popularity-wise, and is quickly becoming a sort of Hollywood counterpart to the greatest movie of all time, Troll 2. It’s classic B-Movie fun, and I have proof:
- Bear Suit
- Burnt?, Howditget
What amazes me most is that Wicker Man somehow managed to be both a better B-Movie and a better Bee-Movie than Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movie! It’s unbeelievable!
[Sorry about those last few sentences , guys. Writing about Nicolas Cage for prolonged periods of time is hazardous to ones’ health.]