A Male’s Perspective On Edward vs. Jacob. And Twilight.

27 11 2010

It's not like, you know, heroin is bad for you or anything.

I will warn the readers: I have only seen the first two movies, and laughed many a-time at them(I am planning on reading all the books very soon). But there has always been that one piercing question: Who is better, Jacob or Edward? Well, read this article and you will receive a heterosexual male’s viewpoint on this debate.

Well, welcome. Don’t judge me for watching Twilight. I watched because not watching Twilight is totes the non-conformist thing to do. Well, it seems to me that the much better character is….

JACOB!!!!
Jacob seems like a really relaxed guy, at least in the first movie. Jacob is tan, with the coolest hair to boot. He is an Indian-Cowboy-Jock hybrid that seems to sprout hair from his head like some sort of play-dough figure. While on the other hand, Edward is a pasty creepy-fuck who really should not be allowed near women; or anyone for that matter. Edward seems to be just so deep and dark. When, in reality, being creepy as hell does not make you all dark and brooding. It makes you creepy as hell. Edward seems to have the inability to speak with Bella without being either creepy or almost wetting his pants. Edward, in general, seems much to creepy and anti-social to be allowed in public. While Jacob seems friendly and all around a good-time-guy. Another thing about Jacob I liked-He talked to Bella and took it slow. Edward immediately took to standing in her God damned room at night and watching her sleep. Edward, instead of introducing subtly hitting on her like Jacob, decided to just be the anti-gentleman and be incredibly creepy. Jacob seems fun loving and polite. While Edward seems to enjoy being creepy, dark brooding, and pale. Which are really not what most people look for in their new friends. It seems to me that Edward really is not a good choice for Bella, who already seems a little too slutty for my tastes.

How about we try smiling for once, Bella?

Now for complaints on the first movie.

Bella
I hate Bella. She is trying to convince the audience her life sucks. When, in reality, she is friends with the popular girls, guys asking her to dances, and a cool pornostache father. She really has almost nothing wrong with her life. Bella, shut up. Please. Stop being so damn dark and deep. Your life is not that bad at all. Seriously. And also, you are slutty. You are all over Edward after no time at all. And in some serious damn relationship. What are you, 12? And another thing Bella. TAN. Your face is the same color as eggshells. Have you ever seen the sun before? You have to have, because without sun, Edward wouldn’t sparkle like a damned ballerina. So at least try to not look like you just crawled out of bad after having a three hundred year fever.

The Setting
What, does Washington just not get sunlight? That is not possibly. Washington has to get some sunlight, or there would be no forests for Edward to be dark and brooding in. OH NO. That would be a major tragedy.

Edward
STOP. JUST STOP. HOW IS EDWARD ATTRACTIVE?

Breaking News: Edward Cullen wears the same outfit the entire movie!

He is horrendously creepy. There are around 300 scenes of him just staring at Bella like he is gonna to molest her to death. Dear women: If ANY guy gives you the Edward Cullen look, run away. FAR AWAY. Because they are probably some sort of sparkly vampire. Also, he is horribly awkward for a relationship. When he appears in her room, he just tells her he has been watching her sleep for months. NOT OKAY. RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN. He is like Slenderman. He can just appear and watch you sleep. NOT HOT. NOT ROMANTIC. FUCKING CREEPY. There is a difference between romance, and needing a restraining order. When they kiss, it takes about 5 hours for their faces to come close enough. Stop it. That is stupid. That does not happen. When they have sex, does just getting started take around 3 months? And another thing. When Edward shows Bella his sparkle curse, he acts like it is the worst thing ever……what? You sparkle in sunlight. Not that horrible. Get the fuck over it. Yeah, sucking blood and all is bad, BUT OH GOD SPARKLING IN SUNLIGHT DEAR GOD NO. ANYTHING BUT THAT. Yeah. Get over it Edward.

The Dialogue
Uh..
Uh…

Then Belle bites her lip. That is most of the dialogue. All the dialogue is horrible. It is like they made it up on the spot. There are horribly awkward pauses, and the conversations sound like they should be taking place in a classroom for people who didn’t learn how to read until their mid-forties. The conversations seems so horrendously unnatural and awkward.

Twilight’s Influence
Young, impressionable girls should not read these books or watch the movies. They take what happens to the characters and implants it into their own expectations of their lives. Which means that these girls want some really weird and brooding guy, who 99% of the time in real life will be addicting to meth. These books teach girls that they need some super romantic guy. That all their relationships will be filled with romance and steamy/romantic make out scenes. Truth is, do you really want a guy like Edward? Crazy, creepy, and unable to speak half the time? Twilight raises girl’s expectations in men and in relationships, and gives them hopes of finding some deep and sensitive guy who they will fall super in love with and have crazy sex with. DEAR WOMEN: THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN.

So all in all, the movie was not too horrible. Just most of the characters, the dialogue, the plot, and the consequences of the film. So, er, yeah. I did happen to like Bella’s father, Edward’s father, and the crazy black pirate vampire. Now go watch the movie, or whine at me about how I don’t like the movie. Whatever.

“HAHAHAHA. YOU PUT ON A SEATBELT.”

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2 responses

27 11 2010
Encrazed Crafts

The Misses tells me the books were pretty good, at least like the first three, and that the movies are the ones that botched and fumbled. From what I gather, the books are aiming for more 16+ readers while movies focused more on 12 year olds and various other mentally equivalent viewers (explains the 40+ year old single women loving the films).

Based on the film, people SHOULD like Jacob more because of how badly they handled everything. In the book it is more tit-for-tat and cerebral than two angsty teens staring at each other like Ariel and Scuttle. Not even touching down on how ridiculous the idea of Vampires ‘weakness’ is not vaporizing in sun, but freaking imitating a pink disco ball. Oooh! Beware! I am dangerously beautiful! /add in Mozart’s Laugh

Also, a point to add that should make women step even further away from the actor that plays Eddy, after a long photo shoot near almost naked, to fully naked women he said, and I quote:

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas.”

He then said that he was thankful that he was hungover for most of the time during said shoot.

22 12 2010
Patrick

Team Edward? Team Jacob?
WHAT ABOUT TEAM ROCKET!?!?!?

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