*With best wrestling announcer’s voice* WAY TO GO, F*CKFACE! YOU FORGOT TO GET GIFTS FOR YOUR FAMILY, AGAIN! WHILE YOU DISGUST ME MORE THAN RANDY SAVAGE’S TIGHTS, THERE’S STILL A CHANCE FOR REDEMPTION. SO DRAG YOUR PATHETIC ASS AROUND TOWN, AND GET THESE GIFTS FOR THE PEOPLE YOU DON’T REALLY LOVE, BUT ARE FORCED TO PRETEND TO LOVE!
There, now that I’ve turned off any potential readers with my caps lock whoring, click the jump to find some last minute gifts that have a good chance of making your family members respect you a little bit more. Because nobody wants to be that douche who just gives you stale bread and orange peels… or is that just my family? Those crazy Catholics.
For Dad: The Expendables, God of War III, tickets to see The Fighter
Your dad loves action and copious amounts of violence, don’t deny it. To satisfy his macho tendencies, get him Stallone’s super cheesy, super awesome action reboot, and don’t forget to tell him that it has an automatic shotgun. If your dad has time to play video games, be sure and get him a God of War game of some sort. And for the ultimate bonding experience, take your pop out to watch Markie Mark go against the odds (and his crack-addicted brother) and win the big fight, or whatever.
For Mom: Eat Pray Love, Wii Active, love
Whether it’s the movie itself or the book that inspired it, Eat Pray Love is the perfect sappy gift for your mother this holiday season (or any other adult female in your family). Giving her a Wii exercise game may be a gamble, as she may think it’s some way of calling her fat (which it is), but it’s either that or… nothing. To top it all off, give her lots of hugs and chocolate. She deserves it after giving birth to your ass.
For Older Male Cousins/ Brothers/ Nephews: Inception, Kick-Ass, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood
Inception may be the movie all of the cool kids are watching right now, but Kick-Ass may be one of the coolest movie’s I’ve ever seen, period. Anything that seamlessly blends graphic violence, laugh-out-loud humor, little girl-ninjas and Nic Cage deserves to be watched by every teenage male in existence. And since your older male relatives probably already have Black Ops, go ahead and grab them a copy of the newest Assassin’s Creed game, which can be simplified as Ass Bro.
For Older Female Cousins/ Sisters/ Nieces: Easy A, perfume, or ask your freaking mother about things your cousins like
Sorry, I’m horrible with gifts to teenage girls. They probably already have the newest Twilight movie, so get them Easy A instead. It’s some new teen movie that was apparently good, and it stars Emma Stone, so their boyfriends will have something to look at too. Outside of that, you’re on your own.
For the Kids: Toy Story 3, How to Train Your Dragon, Despicable Me
2010 was a pretty good year for kids movies, so even though all of the little ones in your family have already seen these flicks, they’ll still think you’re the coolest dude ever for getting them the DVDs. Also, you can figure out if Toy Story 3 can make your grandpa cry. It probably can.
For Grandpa: The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Call of Duty: Black Ops, tickets to see True Grit
Chances are good that your grandpa is a big book or history buff, so you should do him a favor and get him something cool and interesting like Mark Twain’s huge autobiography. To bring out the patriotic side in your old man’s old man, try to hook him up with a hip shooting game, or maybe even a World War II shooter, just as long as it doesn’t lead to PTSD flashbacks. Finally, spend some man time with the guys in the family and see True Grit. I bet even the most callous grandpa will love that movie.
For Grandma: Knight and Day, a Wii game, endless amounts of compliments for all the cooking they did for you and the rest of the family
Grandma is another family member that I have a horrible time finding presents for, but it should never be hard to constantly thank her for all of the awesome food that she’ll probably cook for you on Christmas Day, so at least don’t screw that one up. Outside of that, there’s nothing more exciting than getting an old person to play video games, so convince your grandparents to give the Wii system a go. Chances are good that they’ll either get real into it and make you laugh, or do horrible and curse the controllers to hell, and make you laugh.
For the Uncles: The Town, Seasons of Breaking Bad, The Other Guys
Because most people’s uncles are either robbers, crazy and hilarious cops, or meth dealing cancer patients, right? Right.
For the Aunts: The Kids Are All Right, Shutter Island, free babysitting
For some reason, the aunts always seem to be the biggest movie fans (at least in my family) so you can never go wrong with movies that are sure to win Oscars, have strong leading ladies, have hot leading men, ect. If you want to go for style points, offer to look after the crazy tornadoes that she calls her children.
Hopefully this helped save Christmas in you family. If it didn’t, and that’s probably the case, don’t forget that you can always cop out and just buy a lot of gift cards. Whatever the case may be, we here at The Media Experiment wish you a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays. If you catch your garage on fire trying to deep-fry the turkey, send us the video!