What? Two straight days of sports coverage? Blasphemy! Indeed, yesterday’s NFL Playoff liveblog was a new experience for me, but I had relative fun with it, even when the Chiefs were getting the shit kicked out of them so hard that they had to take a break, get some food, and let it digest into more shit to get kicked out. In short, it’s good to have a game that I won’t be so emotionally vested into.
In short, I want the Ducks to win simply because the SEC is too awesome, but I think Auburn will win because the SEC is too awesome, and it’s no small feat to go undefeated in the SEC. If this game becomes a blowout, expect me to end the liveblog at that point. That said, I have nothing in my way to stop me from tracking this game, not even school.
So click the jump and get your Refresh button ready at 7 PM Central Time! It’s the BCS National Championship on The Media Experiment!
6:07: So far, the only pre-game feature of note is the story on the Rutgers player who suffered a spinal cord injury. I’m such a sucker for cancer and spinal cord injuries.
6:10: Thanks ESPN for this interesting stat: Cam Newton has not thrown an incompletion on an opening drive all season long.
…. Or you could just stop being a pussy and root for Oregon with me.
6:16: Gene Chizik used to be a coach at Iowa State. He did a horrible job there. Just goes to show how helpful it is when you have good players (and money) on your side.
6:18: Ok ESPN, your first ‘injury tear jerker’ story was fine, I don’t want any more. It’s making it harder for me to be a douche on the internet.
6:20: God dammit, the story is actually good. I’m gonna name my son Cally now. Or Jermey. Or Desmondreaux.
6:23: Nick Saban and Urban Meyer? Together? If this doesn’t end in some sort of break-dance fight, I will be severely disappointed.
6:26: Annnnnd the Oregon mascot is holding a Shake Weight for some reason. I don’t get it, his arms should be the size of cannons after all of the push-ups he’s done this season
6:29: Let’s take a quick break from College and marvel at the greatness that is the Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode run.
6:31: Damn, the Oregon unis are not nearly crazy enough. I would have much preferred the neon yellow/ baby vomit green combo.
6:34: Jeremiah Masoli must be punching himself in the face right now.
6:40: By this time, Jeremiah Masoli is done punching himself in the face. Now he’s punching himself in the dick. LeGarrette Blount is probably out punching other people right now.
6:45: It’s too bad my dad is out of town right now. He always gets on spiels about black people and their silly names whenever a guy with “La” in front of their name is mentioned (ala LaMichael James). In his defense, it is kind of silly. But we’ll see who’s laughing when my son LaDexter is born. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
6:50: Wait, they just said 45 minutes until kick-off? God damn, I don’t think I provide 45 more minutes of racist sports jokes.
6:57: Can those Oregon helmets cause seizures? They look like they might cause seizures.
7:00: Jeremiah Masoli is highest non-promoted trending topic on Twitter.
7:01: Ok, I guess I should give my prediction. I’m pulling for the Ducks but I think Auburn will win by a score of 121-120. Cam Newton will score every touchdown for Auburn, and a few touchdowns for Oregon to keep the game close.
7:08: It’s apparently colder in Auburn, Alabama right now than in Eugene, Oregon. Weird.
7:10: I cannot stress to you enough how hilarious the Tim Tebow energy drink commercial is. Even Jesus thinks it sucks.
7:19: Fact: Oregon and Auburn have a combined number of 3 white men on their rosters.
7:22: Shouldn’t there be a giant bowl of tortilla chips between the two helmets? It wouldn’t be too different from what ESPN did for the Rose Bowl.
7:24: Good lord, those choir girls have teeth that would make Cam’s pearly whites cower in fear.
7:29: Remember last year’s National Championship? Yeah, neither do I. So let’s do a better job this year. There’s no crying in football, with one exception for compound fractures.
7:33: For all the hatred I tend to show towards announcers, I do love the Musberger/ Herbstriet combo.
7:37: It’s gonna be real fun covering Auburn on offense, seeing as the only name I know is Cam Newton. I’m about as educated as Desmond Howard.
7:40: If Oregon gets blown out, at least they’ll still have the advantage of sexier cheerleaders.
KICK OFF TIME
7:41: We’ve got slippage. And an injury already. TOO SlOW.
7:43: Commercial? Did they score already???
7:45: Wow. Darron Thomas trying be fancy fails, results in a 3-and-out for Oregon. Freaking SEC teams, man.
7:47: After a big run, two great defensive plays by Oregon. Cam almost lost the football there.
7:49: Incomplete on 3rd and 17! DEFENSIVE BATTLE!
7:53: Oregon’s offense is teasing us right now. Just take your bra off and get it over with!
7:54: Finally, James and the Ducks just pound it inside. Ya see how that works?
7:55: Interception! THIS IS A DEFENSIVE BATTLE MOTHERF*CKERS!
7:58: Darron Thomas, do you really need that much eye black? I give Bryce Harper a pass, but only because he’s white.
7:59: 95% of America is wondering what the hell is going on. Where’s my offensive battle!? Another INT
8:01: Even a quarter almost gone by, there’s still a chance for the final score to be in the lower 90’s.
8:02: The Ducks are showing some consistency on offense now. James is carrying them so far. The Ducks better freaking score here.
8:04: Red zone time. Another interception. Are you f*cking kidding me?
8:05: Last 3 possessions = 3 interceptions. Ready for the bright lights indeed.
8:07: After a first down throw from Newton, the Oregon D stops Auburn again. I’m loving the unpredictability here.
8:10: Last year Texas lost their quarterback to the gayest injury ever. This year, neither team wants to score. Both years, gamblers everywhere are weeping.
8:11: James and Thomas are the only two guys consistently making plays on offense, and Thomas still has two picks already. It’s sloppier than a sandwich called Joe out here.
8:13: How will this drive end? Interception in the end zone? Fumble? I’m going with a blocked field goal here.
8:14: Sack. Both of these defenses are playing with great intensity.
Well, that was fun
2nd Quarter: Both teams have 0 points. OH YEAH
8:17: From Bob Ballou on Twitter : “Just a reminder – USC led Texas 7-0 at the end of the first quarter in ’06, and they combined to score 79. Lots of time left for points.”
8:18: Thomas misses a read, results in a big stop for Auburn. Thomas has been the goat on every Oregon drive so far.
8:19: The kick is up and good. 3-0 Oregon.
8:23: The Heisman curse continues, so far.
8:24: Newton is getting his yards on dink and dunk passes. I’m predicting a big run by him anytime soon. Meanwhile, the frosh RB Dyer is getting some good yards so far. Auburn is driving.
8:25: Oooh, Newton with the athletic play. A sure sack becomes a first down.
8:26: Wait, was that an interception? His foot looked down. Hell of a play right there.
8:29: Not an INT. On the very next play, Newton throws a touchdown to Burns. 7-3 Auburn
8:31: Oregon’s razzle dazzle plays have been about as effective as a quadruple amputee in a fight so far. Step it up.
8:33: BIG pass to Maehl. Huge play for the Ducks.
8:34: 3rd and 6 already. Just when you thought Thomas was out of his funk, he throws too high for LaMichael James.
8:36: They-said-I-could-n’t-be-a-quarterback-they-said-I’d-blow-dudes-for-a-living. Stop playing that commercial, please.
8:37: Trickeration, great play call leads to a James touchdown. MORE TRICKERATION leads to fake extra point, two point conversion. 11-7 Oregon
8:41: Auburn’s tailbacks are getting some good yards. Newton has also shaken off the memories of the first quarter.
8:43: Since that interception, Camoney has been effective throwing it, non-existent running it. Auburn is chipping away yet again. The offensive fireworks have only begun.
8:45: Right on cue, Cam rushes for a tough first down.
8:46: Players are losing their footing all over the place. Maybe that’s why the Cardinals were so bad this year.
8:47: There’s a dropped pass, BUT, Oregon is caught offsides. Auburn’s drive lives.
8:49: Newton gets another first down the hard way. Man, he is huge. Followed by a quick pass. Auburn’s only a few yards away from the endzone.
8:50: Oregon stuffs Newton on 3rd and Goal. They’re going for the TD
8:51: Newton’s pass is low, and Auburn turns it over on downs. Huge break for the Ducks, but the defense holds.
8:52: Apparently that Jeff Maehl catch and run from earlier was the longest pass in BCS Championship history (81 yards). Who woulda thunk it?
8:55: I want a safety right now! AND THERE’S A SIGNAL FOR A SAFETY.
8:57: So far we have two touchdowns, a field goal, a two-point conversion, and a safety. Variety
8:58: This slippery field is perfect for that offensive battle everyone wanted, isn’t it?
8:59: Auburn may not be getting the big plays, but they’ve been wearing down that Oregon D. Hard to see the Tigers not scoring here.
9:00: The next play is a touchdown pass from Cam Newton. 16-11 Auburn
9:02: DeAndre Jordan has a giant gash on his face. Late hit penalty on Auburn, 15 yards for Oregon.
9:04: Apparently James tweaked his ankle. But this news came from a woman, so I’m skeptical.
9:05: After some quick strikes to Maehl, it’s 3rd and long for Oregon. Timeout Auburn. Let’s see what happens.
9:07: Auburn stops em. Oregon’s going for it though.
9:08: I’m retarded, Oregon punts it.
9:10: 25 seconds left in the half. Take a shot for the end zone!
9:13: Hold the phone. Newton and Co. are making things happen. 11 seconds left. Enough time to take a shot at field goal position.
9:14: Newton’s heave for the end-zone fails, and the first half ends, 16-11 Auburn. Interesting game to say the least. Still two quarters of opportunity for that offensive showdown we wanted.
9:17: Those All-State mayhem commercials are amusing. Tee hee
9:23: I F*CKING LOVE SPECIAL K FRUIT CRISPS. SO DELICIOUS.
Whoop, sorry. It had been a while since I typed something.
9:32: Oh my God, they’re all black. What? I’m talking about the members of Boys 2 Men.
9:37: Nothing says “football” like “Switchfoot”
9:40: Lots of injuries to start the game and the 2nd half. Even Cam is wincing a bit. Ruh roh Raggie
9:43: Big pass to a guy with a ridiculous name. Auburn has been in Duck territory at least 3 straight times.
9:45: The Oregon Defense holds the Tigers in the red zone. The Auburn field goal is good. 19-11 Auburn. One possession game.
9:48: Ducks need to score here. No exceptions
9:50: Another PF on Auburn. So much for a clean reputation.
9:51: So far the only huge offensive play is the 80 yard pass to Maehl. We need some more huge plays, I don’t care which team does it.
9:52: Holding on Oregon after a huge run by Thomas. Huge penalty
9:55: Pee Wee Herman: The word of the day is “slippery” AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! (Oregon punts it)
9:59: Newton stopped. 3rd down. Ducks need to get the offense back on ASAP
10:00: Ooooh, Newton overthrows his man. Almost another TD for Auburn
10:02: Mistakes by both of the QB’s have kept this game close. That’s sports for ya
10:04: The winner for most consistent goes to LaMichael James so far. Everyone else on both sides have been schizo.
10:06: Fake punt! Oregon’s drive is still alive!
10:07: Followed by a strike from Thomas! Musberger jinxed the TD
10:09: 4th and goal at the one. Biiig decision here.
10:10: STOPPED. Musberger you idiot! Complete jinx by him, Jesus.
10:12: Still one whole quarter to play. Lots of missed opportunities by both teams.
10:14: Intercept it! Intercept it!
10:17: Difference in the game. Auburn has totally won the battle in the trenches. It’s those missed passes by Cam that’s keeping this a one possession game so late.
10:18: There are only 15 minutes of college football left
10:19: First down Auburn. If the Tigers score here, be it field goal or whatever, Auburn wins. I don’t see the Duck offense score two quick possessions while holding the Auburn offense
10:22: Am I the only person that thinks the Green Hornet looks good? It’s got Kristoph (Christoph?) Waltz for God sakes!
10:24: More missed opportunities abound, 4th down Auburn. Sad to say, but this is yet another disappointing National Championship game.
10:27: That 72 yard drive hurts. Sometimes you just have to kick the f*cking field goal, no matter how huge your gonads are.
10:28: Fairly is dominating. He’s the MVP of the game right now. Oregon’s offense looks dead…. but…. big pass to Paulsen, 1st down.
10:31: 4th down again. It’s slipping away for the Ducks
10:33: Fuck it, I want Newton to pull off a long TD run and ice the game. This has been painful.
10:37: 3rd and 12, and Newton burns them for the first down. Oregon is all but dead.
10:39: Yet another 3rd down conversion. You know what this reminds me of? The Chiefs game yesterday.
10:42: Yet another lucky break for Oregon. Just a sliver, a sliver, of life.
10:46: Maehl keeps the drive alive.
10:48: Alabama stops James, 4th down for Oregon.
10:51: FUMBLE. It’s Matthews, the big guy with the NFL family. HUGE play
10:53: Almost picked off. Thomas has killed Oregon all night long
10:54: ….. Incomplete. Thomas fails again. 4th down….. AND THEY CONVERT
10:55: Oregon would be going for the win if they had just kicked a FG earlier… but alas, that’s sports for ya
10:58: Oregon has shot themselves so many times in the foot there’s hardly a foot left to shoot
10:59: TD LAMICHAEL JAMES. 2 POINT CONVERSION IS GOOD TO MAEHL! TIE GAME WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW
11:00: It’s all up to Cam and the Auburn offense, and he’s good enough to win it in 2:30.
11:01: Quick first down for Auburn. I forgot that they can win it with a field goal. Shit shit shit
11:03: Oh my God, it looks like he wasn’t down. This is huge. This may have just won the game for the Tigers. Good God what a break for Auburn.
11:05: It stands. Dyer has made the flukiest play in National Championship history.
11:06: Dyer breaks away, but it looks like he’s short. Now a short run or chip shot FG away from a win. It’s tough to be a Duck fan right now.
11:09: He is short, but Auburn can bust it in two ways to win the game.
11:12: It all comes down to this. A chip shot field goal attempt by Auburn, and………. AUBURN WINS IT 22-19. Great game, unexpected game, but a great one nonetheless. If Oregon had just kicked a field goal… they would be at least going to overtime right now.
…. But alas, that’s sports. Seeya next time!