Hindsight in the Super Bowl Halftime Show

6 02 2011

The Super Bowl Halftime show, isn’t it exciting? Seriously, anything can happen. From Janet Jackson’s nipple, to I mean, there’s nothing to follow that up. We all saw Janet Jackson with star covered nipples. No one will ever come close to garnering that kind of fame again, but there’s still plenty to say about this years show. Jump on over to get it started. Ha, pun.

In case you forgot


In concept, getting the Black Eyed Peas was a legitimately adequate choice for the halftime show, I mean especially assuming I’m in the less than 10% of people who don’t know more than just the chorus to Tonight’s Gonna Be A Good Night (Is that actually the name of that song? Those are the only words I know at any rate. I refuse to look it up. I don’t really branch out too much from oldies music so deal). 

Upon hearing that they were going to do the halftime show, I was like, well at least they didn’t get Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers or Bieber Fever or whatever. I was just glad someone stepped in and said maybe it was a shitty idea to make 99% of America feel like they are 14. That guy was thinking.

Now that guy is probably sitting in a room freaking out because, while sure the Black Eyed Peas put on quite a show with their light up costumes and weird interpretive dancers in glow and the dark suits, turns out, they can’t actually sing unless you bring the computer editing people with them. Who knew that?

See, I think we’ve all been really fooled into thinking Fergie can sing. They even put her in Nine because everyone was so fooled, and once those people figured out she can’t sing, they edited that too. I’m sure of it. Why? Because Fergie can’t sing. Fergie has a loud voice that I’m sure is really great for the nerdy sound editing guy who must make a ton of money to make her sound like she can sing. Whether or not the rest of the Black Eyed Peas can, I’m not going to judge because Fergie was too distracting with her screeching to even notice how the other guys were doing. Not to mention letting her sing Sweet Child O Mine, that was great, she butchered Rolling Stone’s 196th ranked Greatest Songs of All Time. I felt sorry for Slash who had to have been thinking:

1) make the dog whistle stop touching my back while I’m playing the guitar

2) I miss Axel.

So then, the guy from earlier, you know…the one freaking out because he realized T Swift may not have been such a bad idea after all because her voice doesn’t sound like a robot, yea he gets this great last minute idea to get Usher up there. Yes, I thought, this is fantastic. Nothing like Usher. Yum. Except, wait, Usher only reaches unicorn status without a shirt on, everyone knows that. Right? Seriously, sing Yea to yourself and try to picture Usher with a shirt on and then picture Usher without a shirt on…exactly. But, Usher’s abs stayed locked up the entire time and no attempt at mending the pre-existing damage was successful.

In conclusion, here’s what we learned from the halftime show this year:

1) Remember, if whoever is going to sing can’t sing without a computer, definitley don’t make them sing on the middle of a football field AKA the least controlled singing environment currently available, without at least letting them lip sync.

2) Whoever is the least awesome at singing should have the least amount of time to sing. That’s just logical.

3) Please, can we not add more to the growing confusion of 12 year olds who think that Sweet Child O Mine and other once upon a time amazing songs were written by Fergie and Michael Buble by letting them sing Guns N Roses and Frank Sinatra songs without fully crediting the originators? Or, can we at least stop Slash from showing up without Axel and allowing such a thing. I get it, Fergie has nice lady lumps (ha, see what I did there, that’s a song lyric), but someone could’ve talked him out of it.

4) Tell Usher his abs are the cure for cancer and if we show them on air to every American watching the Super Bowl, it will save lives.

5) Keep up the good work in stifling the tweenage pop craze. Two thumbs way up.

Just a little something to say goodbye

P.S. Thought I’d share the enjoyment I get from knowing this is a real Wikipedia page. Poor Janet Jackson and the unexpected trouble that can come from a nipple.



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